These were the contents of a package we received last month, from the WMPolar Seafood Company: A case of smoked sardines (half jars, half tins), which we’d ordered after Zoog ate some at a friend’s house and fell in love, and a package of makeup remover wipes, which we had not ordered from Polar Seafood, or at all. Happy Mother’s Day! the card read, Here’s a little gift from us as promised.
Here’s what I imagine must have happened at the fish plant…
Fish Plant Worker Guy: Eight hundred pounds of WIPES?? I ordered eight hundred pounds of WIPER!
Hybrid striped bass, AKA “wiper.”
Fish Plant Worker Guy’s Colleague: Listen, I think we can get ahead of this thing before The Boss finds out. What’s the only thing our customers care about?
Fish Plant Worker Guy: Fish!
FPWG Colleague: And what group does that leave out?
FPWG: Mothers!
FPWGC: And what does every mother need to feel refreshed, abluted and whole?
FPWG: A pack of wiper! I mean…WIPES!
FPWGC: That’s right, Chumley! And better yet, we can write up a little card that makes them think we’re fulfilling a promise by including a pack of wipes with every order! Good thing we’re thinking of all the moms out there, even if our ingrate customers aren’t!
FPWG: Errr…no chance we could re-brand them as a way to get the smoked sardine stench off your fingers, is there?
FPWGC: Smoked fish stench? Aren’t you listening, Chumley?! We’re talking about our legacy! We’re the seafood company that’s saving Mother’s Day! Now, open up every box we’ve just glued shut, and jam a package of these things in there!
-AND SCENE-
Well, I, for one, am not sorry about our supplemental gift. I plan to douse them in grain alcohol and wipe the COVID (and smoked fish stench) off my countertops.