I don’t always make irredeemably horrible craft projects, but when I do, I like to spend as much money on them as possible.
It all started with an interest in finding a faster way to get all the…crap— let’s just call it what it is— off my coffee table, which doubles as a blanket box. Sometimes I need access to my 6th grade bathing suit, or to the one pointed purple bootie a friend of mine knitted back in college. And I don’t want to have to clear off all the computers, watering cans, goldfish, salad cookbooks, succulents, etc. off it individually first.
A tray, thought I, surely a tray will revolutionize this process, allowing the…crap…to sit ON the tray when it’s NOT in use (though I defy you to think of a time when a succulent is NOT in use). Then I can just lift up the tray, rather than 1000 individual paperclips, when I need access to what’s underneath!
Like THIS genius….
Note how this young innovator transports the snacks themselves in a high-walled, corner-less glass tray, and how THAT container rests inside a SEPARATE, rectangular wooden tray.
The only problem is, purchasing a tray from The Man or from The Pottery Barn, or even from The Goodwill, is about 12% fun. Looking to increase the fun factor, I decided I’d decorate an unfinished wooden tray (about 70% fun). Then, knowing that any idiot can decoupage, and in the end, the tray is covered by crap anyway, I decided I’d cover the inside of the tray in tiny tiles, making one extraordinary picture: I’d make a MOSAIC! (98% fun, which is the legal limit in Massachusetts).
And the mosaic would probably look like this:
…except 11”x17” and flat. And rectangular.
Now, I’d sort of half-reared a “stained glass” project in seventh grade art class that was supposed to look a little like a mosaic, so I wasn’t starting from scratch, or anything. The only thing was New York State taxes had paid for that project, and this time, I’d be on my own.
So first, I had to buy a tray, which I understand is where the whole thing could have ended, but let’s not forget about Fun Factor, OK? So I went on Etsy and found one from Poland that was big, and sort of cheap (before shipping), and seemed like the thing to do. It arrived quickly, but likely flew here itself, because it was basically made of balsa wood. No matter, I thought; if it were really nice then I’d feel bad tinkering with it anyway. Here I am winning, AGAIN!
Then I needed tiles. May I ask you: Where does broken glass get off being SO DARN EXPENSIVE? Since I’m overly-optimistic (and maybe a little short on sense), I had to go back to the craft store, and back again, eventually buying 4 bags of tiles, and liking only about 23% of the shapes and colors they come in. But remember: I wanted a LARGE tray to hold ALL of my table crap. So I had a LOT of surface area to cover with devastating beauty, and only about half the materials. And I’d already spent like… like as much as what two of these are going for on Etsy:
Here is where I will insert an apt analogy: You know how when you’re starting to learn to hand sew—maybe for a day in Home Ec., or something— and there’s always a kid who doesn’t understand why you can’t just close a hem with ONE BIG stitch? Or, maybe, three? So instead of making a ton of little stitches like - - - - - - - -, they just wanna be all like
…and be done with it already? Well , I felt a small twinge of that as I entered TILE TO GO, or whatever the store is called, and was immediately drawn to eight, large, colorful (budget-friendly) tiles that I figured I could smash for authenticity. Sorta like making a few big stitches, eh?
NOW ALL I HAD TO DO was buy the goop that you stick the tiles down with, the goop you fill in the cracks with, the doobobby you smush it all in with, paint the tray, smash the big tiles, arrange the little tiles, and put it all together!
So a few dozen more dollars later, and there I am, realizing that if you want things to sit flat on the tray, the tiles need to be the same height, and I have purchased tiles that are NOT the same height.
I’ll just make up the difference with a thicker layer of goop, eh? That’s what you do with a lopsided cake. WHY DIDN’T I JUST MAKE A DANG CAKE??
And here is a closeup of one of the tray’s many stability issues. The tray and I may have more in common than I thought…
Notice, also, how the mastic (*I did learn some fun new vocabulary words) is cracking conveniently around the tiles. Incidentally, the tray now weights 800 pounds, from all the cement I’ve smeared on it.
But am I gonna let this giant waste of time and money win? No, ma’am! Since we all seem to have a little bit more time (and grout) on our hands, my plan is to put all the lipstick I can on this pig, including taking the plastic dobobby and scraping off whatever is stuck to the tiles. That should decrease the tray’s weight significantly, at least.
PSSHHHT. I didn’t even want to make it look nice, anyway. I mean, who even wants a tray to be beautiful? It’s just gonna get covered with crap.